I am going to pour forth my heart here. I've been taking on some extra work these days, website design, business branding, working very part time for a friend to help her with administrative things. I thought I would do a good job balancing these tasks and time with my children doing the things I'm committed to doing with them during the day. In the past few months I've realized that I'm balancing things like I should be.
I'm a perfectionist of sorts always wanting things to be "just so" and I have a desire to do things with my best effort expecting them to land somewhere near perfect. Silly I know when I say it outloud. The problem is, I've let myself get wrapped up, to some degree, with these "job tasks" and I've started putting more important, much more important things on the back burner.
It slipped right through my fingers really. It happened slowly over time, I became distracted and then yesterday I realized I've been putting my focus on the wrong things.
It has been obvious to me for sometime that the things I see in my children that I feel compelled to form in them are a result of my modeling. Funny how that works. Not really funny, sad really. They are quick to lose patience, sometimes harsh with words between one another, easily upset. Ummmm hello...that can totally be me. Both my husband and I (not to drag him into this because this is about me) can sometimes get louder when we get serious with them about behavior. I see them getting louder when they need to emphasize something or feel passionately about it. My two little twins have taken up screaming when they don't like something or feel frustrated.
For a while I just thought it was loud because they were boys and the house has lots of tile making it hard to hear and the toys make lots of noise, etc. But, it is clear that the screaming has nothing to do with those things. It is frustration, defiance, and negative expression. Now, I don't scream at them but I do get louder (to overcome the noise sometimes but also out of frustration). I recenlty felt convicted about that when a pastor said that yelling at your children makes them feel as though you think they are dumb or not understanding.
WOW...that is how I felt when my father yelled at me growing up. Lightbulb ON!! Okay so no more yelling (if I can help it, Please God Help me Not To Yell) and more talking and gently persuading them to handle situations differently. Firmness not Volume. If you'd asked me about those things I would absolutely agreed with that yelling isn't right...but without knowing it I was reacting poorly to their behavior.
So this over-reaction to their poor behavior and my distraction with "working" has evolved into more frustration and over-reaction while neglecting training them and encouraging them (shepherding them) towards right behavior.
How can I tell them to speak kindly, with love in their heart, to use nice words, to not yell, etc. etc. blah blah blah when I turn around and do those exact things I ought to not do?
It isn't all the time...it happens like this: I'm patient, I'm patient, I'm patient, I'm patient.....then I lose it. OR Something happens that I feel I've instructed them on so many times I could no longer count them on all my hands and feet and I feel very frustrated.
In working with them on matters of the heart, getting to the core of the behavior, working on heart change versus behavior modification I've neglected my own behavior in extreme circumstances. I become, at times, a terrible role model.
I want to be firm, disciplined, consistent, with high expectations, lots of love and encouragement, and full of joy and fun. I want my children to know where they stand and what will happen when they chose to disobey, not wonder if I'm going to lose my temper.
I've realized I have to be better about my schedule. Less distracted with "work" except during "work" time (which is when they nap), more mindful of where they are playing and what they are doing, more involved and approachable, and in moments of frustration and disobedience keep myself calm and collected, unemotional about the measure of discipline, and smother them with love and forgiveness.
The MOST IMPORTANT part to getting back on track (besides leaving my "work" at "work") is my quiet time with God. My focus, my prayer time, my prayers for them, my study time, devoting myself to Christ first.
Isn't it funny how when I take something on to try and bring more income to my family Satan uses it to disctract me from the very people (God and my family) that I live my life for? A simple thing becomes the root problem to getting off track. Suddenly I'm no longer being the Child of God, Mother, Wife, or Daughter I should be and devoted myself to be. It happened so quickly.
Today I start a New day. My God is a forgiving God, A Father to His daughter and I and asking Him to straighten my path, build in me someone I can't see myself becomming but desire to be, and provide for me patience and self control that I feel is often beyond my grasp.
Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
Psalm 63:1-4
"My Father in Heaven, you know it is not like me to want to confess my faults for all to see. You know that I would rather it seem I have it all together. I know that means I have not put what you think of me first in my life. Today I take that step. Today I ask you to reform my heart, change my focus and straighten my path back to you. Draw me close to you and walk beside me as I raise those four beautiful children you gave to me. Help me to be for them all you desire for me to be." ---Amen
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