One of the best recommendations I've been given this year has come from a friend at church. We switched churches this year and began attending a Family Integrated Church near our house. It has been a wonderful experience for us as we decipher God's calling in our lives as parents of a large family and the unique challenges and abundant blessings that come from that calling.
A seasoned mother in our church told me about a book. "Raising Godly Tomatoes" is the name and tomato staking is the heart of the book. Not real tomatoes but rather our children.
The author has so many wonderful passages about children, raising them, loving them, schooling them, loving them...yes I said it twice on purpose. She points out that disciplining them, rather raising them in a disciplined, loving, consistent home is quite a gift.
The children are the tomatoes...she compares them to a real one. Tomatoes grow better when staked, held close to the stake to be supported, rooted, healthy, strong...
Children are similar. They need to be close, nearby, influenced, talked with, encouraged, struggle snuffed quickly, strife resolved swiftly, love spoken often...
Children need to be staked to the mother, or the father. They learn best that way. When staked to the parent they are given tasks, taught methods, trained, and spend time learning and watching the parent to learn how to be a woman or a man. It truly is a beautiful picture.
The hope is to stake when necessary, when we see strife or rough behavior, but also to focus on each of them at a specific time that we may be intentional with each of them independently as well as together. I'm sure it will take some learning, some time...But the hope is to nurture their growth, plant seeds of hope and love for Christ, mature them into arrows, that their direction will be clear and concise.
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” – Galatians 6:7-9
Dear Mother, your little one’s hearts are gardens that need tending. Are you carefully cultivating the Word of God in their hearts, tilling with grace, watering with love, and warming with prayer? You can be sure that something will grow there. The question is, will it be the Word, or will it be weeds? --from At the Well
Tomato Staking
Hard Lessons
I am learning to appreciate the lessons God teaches me as I grow up...yes I am still growing up. I am the person that would resist admitting this, especially in those words. I simply have a desire to arrive...when do I arrive?
These gifts God has given to me reflect to me God's answer to that question. NEVER. As if through them God is quietly whispering to me....
The whisper of a coaxing, a calling to draw near, breath deep, seek me...I believe in you...hold tight...
He brings me to my knees to reveal to me my broken heart, my need for Him, that hope is never lost.
The lesson of this moment snuck in...settled softly...then in a quiet moment whispered to me...
"You need to LAUGH more, HOLD them longer, and bear down in LOVE to train them up."
My husband and I have been committed to training them up for some time now. That isn't just a phrase, it is a way of living. Intentional training of children...not just expecting but teaching, holding their hands, drawing hard lines, keeping them close, making expectations clear...
It is a constant, demanding, sometimes exhausting, but most rewarding job. We believe it is also the ONLY way to fulfill our calling as Parents in a biblical manner.
And, in the moments of training up children, boys and a young lady, to Love Jesus, Obey Authority, Love Others, Sacrifice Themselves, and show HONOR, VALORE and BRAVERY-- satan also tries to whisper..."It isn't fun", "Get Angry", "They aren't learning"...
His motives are clear...but they can be overcome. I must take a step back...gently but efficiently remind myself, through God's word and His lessons to express JOY because the calling is filled with JOY. Being a mother is a gift and a blessing. Always noted by God in His Word as a blessing He Gave to those He was rewarding. That moves me towards growing up...for them, for me, for Him.
God has given us much and in return much is required. Raising Warriors for Christ SHOULD be FUN, SERIOUS, JOYFUL, CHALLENGING, RIGOROUS, REWARDING, INTENTIONAL yet WONDERFUL all at the same time
This is only possible with God.
We once were listening to an audio series on parenting and the speaker said, "Often we find our dissapointments with our children are a result of our own personal selfishness."
They are CHILDREN and when they make a mess it offends our NEED for it to be clean.
---Children are just messy by nature and must be taught to be clean.
They are CHILDREN and when they spill it offends our NEED not to be bothered to clean it up
---Children are clumsy by nature and must mature over time.
They are CHILDREN and when they don't come when they are called it offends our PRETENSE of being a good parent.
---Children aren't given an innate ability to obey, they must be trained.
They are CHILDREN and when they display "wrong" behavior in public or perhaps hit another child, it embarrasses us so we lash out against them.
---Children can't grow from parents who LASH but rather flourish with parents who LOVINGLY train and discipline.
I myself need this priceless reminder...this is the growing up part. Self control, righteous anger, putting others first...Start responding like an adult, refrain and restrain your personal self centeredness, children can sniff it out, and approach being a mother with some grace and JOY.
The lesson to be learned as Mothers is clear although we convince ourselves it is often elusive...the application of it all... well, attempts should be made through prayer...
Matters of the Heart
Oh my have the last few days or even weeks maybe even months been a challenge.We are in a "crashing period" with the twins. I'll explain.
I was told by my mother long ago that children often ebb and flow in six month spurts between falling in line, being compliant and displaying obedience with joy. Then six months of pushing the limits, walking the fine line and teetering on the edge.
At the time she shared this with me I giggled. My first son was small, not old enough yet to exhibit such extremes. I was naive to the wonderful bliss and sweaty work of training and growing up boys into men (and 1 sweet girl).
Now, almost 6 years later, this ebb and flow is clear to me. They are like crashing waves and shifting tides.
Their ability to live at full blast each day brings challenges and joy. During the "crashing waves" period of time I find myself cycling through reminders, instructions, warnings, discipline, and a breath of air. I say, "when you are done with something put it back", "we don't leave Popsicle sticks on the carpet, you know where the trash is", "don't each boogers find a Kleenex", "please flush", "no need to scream in the house, you can play outside", "remember the baby is sleeping, don't slam the toilet lid down", "we are taking a nap today, just like yesterday", "please don't whine it doesn't change anything", "no we can't wear the same clothes for four days", "sorry your socks feel funny", "I don't know where your shoes are I didn't wear them last", "please get off the floor, just talk to me", "don't scream, don't scream, don't scream please!!!". I really could go on and on.
They seem to fight with each other more, struggle sharing, speaking kindly, finding compromise, and hearing any answer except what they want to hear. Their hearts are raw, their flesh loud, and in turn our lives seem crazy.
It is during this "crashing period" I must dive deep and keep my eye upon the training of their hearts. Reflecting grace, forgiveness, patience, love, all while setting a firm line and acting quickly to disrespect so as to not leave even a glimpse of opportunity for the devil set a foothold to their hearts.
I'm flawed in this process. I yell sometimes. I cry sometimes. Frustration runs deep and in the quiet of the evening exhaustion comes quick. Emotionally and physically I am drained. Spiritually it is a battleground. I must remember to tap into the All Powerful love of Jesus. I must remain steadfast in His will and love, it is what matters. I attempt to show my children His grace in my life. Ask for forgiveness of them in my shortcomings. Remember to put off self and put on love even when I am weak. I want to do better. I pray to grow with each cycle. It always comes on so quickly and leaves just as quickly before I can barely get my footing at times.
Then something happens and the tide shifts and my boys, although still loud, crazy and living at full throttle, are sweeter, softer, more compliant, less whiny, "yes mom", "okay mom", "mom, I want to be a soldier for God", "are you proud of me mom?", "I shared mom, see?". Their hearts are quieter and they are in a state of "new" composure.
It is in this "quiet cycle" I see glimpses of the hard work paying off. Their hearts are soaking up the lessons, putting on Jesus, and their spirits thirst for Him, being made in His nature, even when the "crashing cycle" seems so much louder. God is calling them. He is molding them. Even through my flawed and failed delivery at times. He is bigger than me.
Thank God!!!
I remember it is their heart that matters most. Not following all the rules, although that is nice and in most cases safer. The rules and expectations are in place for my own sanity as much as for their training. But, we cannot miss the heart. We must focus on the lessons of the heart...will they thirst for Christ? Do I even give God a chance to teach and call to them through my flawed life by talking about Him, walking with Him, and exhibiting Grace b/c of Him?
I am the lighthouse to this crazy, wild, crashing, sometimes calm, ocean. Even as the tides change the need for the lighthouse remains. It is not just a wild ocean that has need of a lighthouse but the ocean no matter its state. There are rocks ahead. There is danger. God has placed these children into my care, as the lighthouse, to bring them Home. He is the light.
What an awesome picture.
Lord, help me to be the mother you have called me to be to these precious children. That during both the crashing and quiet cycles I can reflect your light to their lives. That grace, forgiveness, love, and faithfulness would abide in our home. That the lighthouse you have created me to be would bring them safety and a place to call home. Help our home to be a compass that guides them to you.
Help me to be a good mother to boys. Help me to train up a lady in Brynn. Father....help.
Amen.
Excerpt from M.O.B. Society:
Exasperating our Children
I found this GREAT List at Sprittibee...
You Exasperate Your Children When You...
1. Never admit you are wrong.
Instead, tell your children you have made a mistake and ask their forgiveness and God's if you sin in your actions or attitudes.
2. Model hypocrisy (say one thing, do another)
3. Fail to keep promises.
Be cautious with your words. You may not think you are making a promise, but your children may interpret your words or actions as promises.
4. Demand too much of them.
Don't expect them to act like adults. Be reasonable in your expectations of their actions, attitudes and how much responsibility you expect of them. Try timing your workflow to see if what you are asking is even possible (if you tend towards overloading the schedule).
5. Over protect them.
Don't bail them out of problems - let them learn the hard way now. The cost will be less now than later in life when you aren't there to pick them up.
6. Batter them with words.
Use your words sparingly! Be consistent and let your yes be yes, your no be no, and your words be solid in action.
7. Abuse them verbally.
Never call names, add explanation marks to their names or predict failure. Find ways to compliment and praise them instead. Tell them all the things they do well - not a list of their shortcomings.
8. Make discipline too severe.
9. Show favoritism.
Don't compare children in their achievements, abilities or grades. They are each unique gifts from God.
10. Embarrass them.
Be careful and cautious with how you speak about them to others - especially when they are present.
11. Give no time warnings.
Don't come in a room and tell them to stop immediately unless they are doing something that will harm them or others. Give them a few minutes to adjust to your expectations. Tell them 'bed in five minutes' or 'we are leaving in ten minutes, so please finish and clean up' - then follow through!
12. Try to be their buddy.
You are the parent. Time for friendships is later in life when they are parents themselves.
13. Withhold firm discipline and proper training.
If you tell them dinner is ready and they don't come, no dinner. Don't debate. You are the parent. Train them in the way they should go and always remain calm and prayerful in your decisions. Then stick to it!
14. Discipline inconsistently/use different punishments for the same offense.
Each child should receive the same punishment for the same crime. Being tired is no excuse for inconsistent punishments. Keep a journal to ensure consistency.
15. Are weak with your authority.
Don't let the children ask you repeatedly to have or do something. Don't allow them to even TRY to wear you down. If you make a decision, stick to it.
16. Consistently believe evil of them.
When you are suspicious of them, making accusations of wrongdoing, you are deflating their trust in your unconditional love and acceptance of them. Be happy with them and know that you are blessed to be their parent. Your trust and acceptance can encourage them to make right choices.
17. Do not listen to them.
Let them explain their frustrations with you and be honest with you about how they feel - even if it upsets you. They should be polite and respectful, but they should always be allowed to come to you with their feelings.
18. Continually criticize them.
"A child can only take so much gloom." - Little House on the Prairie
19. Communicate to them that they are unwanted.
If you tell them it would be easier to go to work than take care of kids at home and they will think you would rather be there. Don't tell them what you are giving up to raise them or they will think you would rather not be their parent. When you are frustrated, pray - do not speak hurtful things you will regret.
20. Threaten them with rejection.
If they are not doing what they should, discipline them. If they refuse to obey, let them sit outside on a bench in your back yard because you will not allow willful disobedience in your home. Don't threaten them with empty threats. Only say what you really mean after you have time alone to pray about the issue. Ask for help if the disobedience spirals out of control. Maybe an objective mentor can give you ideas you haven't thought of to curb the problem.
21. Never communicate your approval of them.
If you only take time out of your day to correct them and not ever to encourage them, you are teaching them to seek your attention through negative actions. You are also making them not like themselves - which will make them seek approval in others by doing things to get attention from their peers.
22. Neglect them.
Don't allow the phone or your own private duties to interrupt your time together. Make time to build a relationship with them. Take time to listen and communicate with them. Get to know them as a person. Keep a prayer journal for them and make notes about time you have spent talking with them. Remember what it was like to court your spouse? Love them with your whole heart. The house cleaning can wait.
23. Overindulge them.
Don't allow them to be part of your decision making when you are making parental decisions and don't spoil them with material things. Don't allow too much screen time or 'twaddle' or they will develop a taste for 'the easy life' and balk at hard work and deep thinking. They will expect things to be given to them and not want to put out effort to achieve them.
24. Reward insolence, sass, pouting, anger, or disrespect.
A child should never raise his voice at his parents unless he is calling you from afar. Do not allow a disrespectful tone to be rewarded by acknowledgment. Cease the conversation and discipline. Bad attitudes are a symptom of a clouded heart. The bible talks about the heart's wickedness. A great book on discipline and heart issues is "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.
25. Cease a time of chastisement before it has produced humility.
Don't stop in your punishment of bad behavior until you see the fruit of a changed heart. If the actions AND attitudes change, you have succeeded in your objective as their disciple. If there is only an action change, and yet their countenance is still angry, you have only taught them that lip service is all you are asking of them. Their heart is the root of the disobedience. Your job is not to weed out bad behavior, but to till the soil of the heart until GOOD can grow there.
I need to print this and put it on my fridge! I hope you do the same.
