Gift Challenge-Joy in the Loss

We recently suffered the loss of our sixth pregnancy.  We were beyond excited to be having number 6.  God did many strange things this time.  In the past I've slowed my nursing down, had 1 cycle and gotten pregnant with ease.

This time I had 3 full cycles before conceiving.  I became impatient, which is ridiculous.  Where is the trust, faith, joy, and peace in that.  None the less I was feeling irritated with the change in status quo.

Then conception. I was so excited, the kids were excited...there was no lack of love for this tiny,knitted person growing in my womb.

On April 15th, just four days after the bleeding  began, I passed the baby at home, in the quiet.  After learning the heartbeat had stopped I cried quietly to myself as to not frighten the children.  I processed what it meant.  No baby on November 2 this year.  No growing belly, baby kicks.  There was grief that first day after finding out.  Questions, disappointment, guilt...

Then as we waited for the baby to pass naturally there was much to consider and be thankful for. It was a reminder of how richly blessed we already are. And although we don't always understand why or to what end God allows things to happen, I do know He allows them so that we might be refined, given a chance to glow in the sadness with a richness that can only come from Him.  There is Joy in the struggle and in this moment I hoped to reflect Him.

So, I think it is fitting to dedicate today's gift challenge to finding the JOY in the Sorrow.

301. 5 healthy, beautiful children
302. Blessings abundant that can only come from having children
303. Smoochy kisses from my 18 month old
304. A few more moments to enjoy an empty womb which allows for more time and attention on the 5.
305. A supportive husband who lovingly held me when my heart was sad and stayed home to be with me as we waited for the final passing.
306. The love and support from so many strong mommy women, showing their love and their grief in the loss with me.
307. Making the joy of someday having one more feel even more special
308. Deepening the Longing
309. Driving deep the conviction that children are a heritage
310. The reminder the God is in control
311. Remembering to breathe and trust in Him
312. Slowing down

I won't forget those moments with this little precious life.  It is something many women experience, many whom do not already have 5 wonderful gifts, and many who are much further along than I was. The beauty in it is the depth in which it roots into your soul.  It is something maybe only a mother or mother to be could explain and even then words will fall incredibly short.  It's an unspoken love and a deep longing.  I'm actually, now thankful for it. I pray to encourage and help others who will experience this as our lives move forward.