We recently suffered the loss of our sixth pregnancy. We were beyond excited to be having number 6. God did many strange things this time. In the past I've slowed my nursing down, had 1 cycle and gotten pregnant with ease.
This time I had 3 full cycles before conceiving. I became impatient, which is ridiculous. Where is the trust, faith, joy, and peace in that. None the less I was feeling irritated with the change in status quo.
Then conception. I was so excited, the kids were excited...there was no lack of love for this tiny,knitted person growing in my womb.
On April 15th, just four days after the bleeding began, I passed the baby at home, in the quiet. After learning the heartbeat had stopped I cried quietly to myself as to not frighten the children. I processed what it meant. No baby on November 2 this year. No growing belly, baby kicks. There was grief that first day after finding out. Questions, disappointment, guilt...
Then as we waited for the baby to pass naturally there was much to consider and be thankful for. It was a reminder of how richly blessed we already are. And although we don't always understand why or to what end God allows things to happen, I do know He allows them so that we might be refined, given a chance to glow in the sadness with a richness that can only come from Him. There is Joy in the struggle and in this moment I hoped to reflect Him.
So, I think it is fitting to dedicate today's gift challenge to finding the JOY in the Sorrow.
301. 5 healthy, beautiful children
302. Blessings abundant that can only come from having children
303. Smoochy kisses from my 18 month old
304. A few more moments to enjoy an empty womb which allows for more time and attention on the 5.
305. A supportive husband who lovingly held me when my heart was sad and stayed home to be with me as we waited for the final passing.
306. The love and support from so many strong mommy women, showing their love and their grief in the loss with me.
307. Making the joy of someday having one more feel even more special
308. Deepening the Longing
309. Driving deep the conviction that children are a heritage
310. The reminder the God is in control
311. Remembering to breathe and trust in Him
312. Slowing down
I won't forget those moments with this little precious life. It is something many women experience, many whom do not already have 5 wonderful gifts, and many who are much further along than I was. The beauty in it is the depth in which it roots into your soul. It is something maybe only a mother or mother to be could explain and even then words will fall incredibly short. It's an unspoken love and a deep longing. I'm actually, now thankful for it. I pray to encourage and help others who will experience this as our lives move forward.
Gift Challenge-Joy in the Loss
Filling Their Souls
A wonderfully encouraging post from Preparing the Soil. It is the song of my heart...I just need to remember to sing it!
Before I had kids, I remember having a conversation with a young mom. It was one of those conversations that sunk straight into my soul and I knew that for some reason, I was to remember it. This mom and I were talking about her young children who were about three and four at the time. She mentioned that they loved to play and wrestle and that her husband often did that with the kids. I asked her if she did as well (fully assuming that she did), and she said something that I will never forget. She said, “Oh no, that isn’t really my thing.”
I have thought about that conversation many times in my last nine years of parenting. You see, sometimes we just need to do things because it will build into the hearts of our children. Sometimes we need to do an activity because it will fill a soul. Sometimes we need to do things because it makes our children smile and giggle and it will build the invisible bonds of the parent-child relationship.
This all came to mind as I put the boys to bed tonight.
I love my boys. I never, ever wanted to be a mom to boys and in all honesty, it took me about two years to come to terms with the fact that I had a son. Now, I can’t imagine life without them. I adore their energy and enthusiasm and zest for life. I love their fascination with sports and legos and flexing their muscles. I love to watch them “just be boys” and I am thrilled to be a part of raising them. But being a mom to boys doesn’t come naturally to me.
I am not a rough-and-tumble, loud, high-energy person. My idea of a perfect day involves a lot of quiet, a lot of books, and a lot of sipping hot drinks. I was never a real “girly-girl” and yet male humor and activities have never really gotten me excited, either. However, I want to have the heart of my boys. I want to have cords of connectedness so strong that nothing can break them. I want their hearts to be in tune with mine and I want to be someone they long to be with. And that means doing things that don’t necessarily come naturally and doing things that “aren’t really my thing.”
As I tucked the boys into bed tonight, I had to “find” one who was hiding in his brother’s bed, I “captured” one as he struggled to get free, I was tackled, I growled like a tiger, I pretended to cry when they said—in fits of giggles—that they didn’t love me, I knocked them on the head, I smothered them with kisses, and I filled their little boy-souls with rough and tumble love and laughter. And I didn’t do it because it is “my thing.” I did it because it fills their heart and I hope that hundreds upon hundreds of these little memories will merge into one big memory that will allow them to say, “I had a happy childhood.”
Sometimes being a parent involves us stepping our of personality, out of our comfort places, out of what’s easy and into a place where our actions can really communicate with our children’s hearts. We have to be willing to let go of our desires and our natural inclinations and instead meet our kids where they are. Tonight, it was being silly with rowdy boys. This morning it was with an almost-nine-year old who hates math and was in tears clinging to me saying, “I just want to be with you!” This afternoon it was playing pig on the basketball court and praying I would make it so one of the boys wouldn’t be out again. No doubt tomorrow it will be with a certain three-year-old who will bring be an infinitely high stack of books I have read too many times. Saying yes doesn’t always come easily or naturally, but I pray each day that God will enable me to do what is best for the five little hearts I am responsible for.
Please Lord, let me say yes and do whatever it takes to hold onto their hearts, even if it “isn’t my thing.”
Quiet Thoughts
Rising again from a busy week, which seems to set the soul under something heavy, I'm grasping for some sanctuary, sanity, rest for the soul. The rush of going and coming from days past has put my heart at a heavy pace in which I fear I might not recover.
Slowly the rising comes...the sleep in my eyes falls away peeling a sort of "new" breath into my lungs...
The day is filled with sunshine, laughter, errands (again with the going and coming), and the feeding of the littles...
Their wet dripping bodies, sleek in the sun, and slender small radiate a joy as their daddy sweat to build the pool they've been asking for.
He build dreams, labors love, hours long, in the sun with not much accolade except that of thrilled and squealing children.
God is good...
Peace like a river flows...
His Grace and Mercies are new each day...
Small are His gifts to us as we watch them grow...
These words sum up this lazy, yet busy, Saturday afternoon:
One Thousand Gifts
It is Monday again which is crazy! Time seems to fly these days. I don't remember time passing me as quickly when I was younger but I've noticed more now how the slips away. I've already seen a difference in my attitude since starting this new blog. My desire for Christ is stronger, my attitude more positive, and my outlook is turning up. I'm not saying it was down before I'm just saying things are already changing within me and that is effecting what comes out of me.
My world is forever full of adventure although small to some still adventure. I've been potty training the twins which I knew would be an undertaking that would either go well or not well at all. They have surprised me in that they have taken to the concept quite well and the execution is about 80%. You know boys, they get playing, distracted, and suddenly there isn't any time to get to a restroom. Trace seems particularily resistent to telling me he needs to go potty. He waits until I ask. I have finally figured out WHY! He is ultra attached to this sword that he calls his "stick sword". He carries it in his pants like using his pants waste band to hold it to his body. When he goes to the bathroom it requires removing the stick sword from his body along with his other precious item, his shoes. (In case you are wondering why the shoes, that is because we have our boys sit backwards on the potty making them feel more secure and at ease with using it. But the clothes have to come off for that). He does not want to remove his items of clothes or his stick sword. So what happens if I forget to ask? FUNNY you asked that---
Trace has established this uncanny ability to be playing outside at the precise moment he needs to go #2! So, he removes his clothes to go swimming and then suddenly he is pooping in the grass or even worse, on the patio. AGHHHH! I could scream at the sight of it now and find myself totally infuriated, although sympathetic to his predicament, that he has once again gone poop on the patio. It is a task to get it all cleaned up. Which I must do immediately b/c I have, I dare say, found them playing in it with sticks before. I know GROSS!
So, my week last week started with a few of those episodes and that seemed to snowball into a stream of them doing small things I assumed they now knew not to do. Breaking crayons, unrolling toilet paper, climbing up onto the counter, spitting out pieces of apple skin as they insist on eating a whole apple not one that is cut, trying to lift their sister or playing too rough, playing in my office when I am not in there...I'm sure you are getting the drift. I find myself just exasperated with the amount of times I repeat myself during the day! Not about things that I would consider disobedient items, those items they find themselves being disciplined for. I'm talking about just reminding them, "quiet, sister is sleeping", "no screaming", "don't run too fast in the house", "play nicely", "be kind", "eat your lunch then you can play", "stay seated", "get dressed"...
But, almost at about the same time I discovered I was feeling a little drained and redundant from day to day I started the Monday Gifts. Even now as I type I'm thinking of all the responses I feel to those things in which I am "complaining" about. I feel my heart telling, "but they play together and that is awesome", "they are loud because they are excited about life", "they get into things they know not too because they are curious". It is acutally refreshing to realize that for everything I could complain about there is an even stronger pulling positive spin to put on it. That God's JOY allows for me to find happiness, laughter, and love in all things. To look to the Father for REJUVINATION when I am feeling tired and worn out. To quickly PRAY for strength when I start to feel frustrated. I mean how many times a day can a woman get a kid something to eat and something to drink? I can tell you! LIMITLESS. With the energy of the Lord I can find JOY in my responsibilities as a Mother. I can find teachable moments that will infect my children's hearts and minds as they strive to find themselves.
I'm not perfect in this new way of looking at life. Even tonight my husband had to remind me to tone it down with my frustration over the little things and to say things more lovingly. I've grown in my ability to receive his guidance. Thank goodness for that.
I hope that as you read this you too find that you have been looking at the challenges of Motherhood with a shortsighted view. Try looking at them through God's view. Put on Micah 6:8
Act Justly, love Mercy and walk HUMBLY with your God.
Lord that I might be slow to anger, patient, and a woman with a quietness and peace. That when I speak it might be of something honoring to you. That I might lead my children to have a passion for you that only you can instill in them. That I might just be a reflection of your Glory and their need for a life with you. Help me to be transparent in my need for you and my journey of growth. That others might be encouraged to serve you. Amen
GIFTS
7. A wrinkled nose smile from a precious little boy
8. The smell of fresh baked bread (it doesn't have to be made from scratch)
9. The shrill of joy that comes from my children when their daddy gets home
10. Getting two more boys out of diapers!
I found this great little snip below at At the Well...In pursuit of Titus 2 and I thought I'd put it here too for those who might read my blog to take a look! Enjoy You can get the whole post at the link above.
HAPPINESS
Colossians tells us to "set our minds on things above, not on earthly things." We can choose to focus and keep our minds on what is making us unhappy, or we can renew our minds in the joy of the Lord, counting our blessings and thinking on the many things God has provided for our happiness- chocolate, lovely flowers, leaves turning in the fall, puppy dogs, a warm bath, a child's embrace... Philippians tells us, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."
We need to teach our children, and live by example, to enjoy everyday life, to have fun together, and to laugh. We must teach them that as Christians, we can experience true JOY no matter what our circumstances are. Even in sad times, even in grief, we still have joy in the Lord and who we are in Christ.
Mother Theresa said, "Joy is prayer. Joy is strength. Joy is love. Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. God loves a cheerful giver. one gives most who gives with joy. The best way to show our gratitude to God and people is to accept everything with joy. A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love. Never let anything so fill you with sorrow as to make you forget the joy of Christ risen. This I tell you my sisters. This I tell you."
