A wonderfully encouraging post from Preparing the Soil. It is the song of my heart...I just need to remember to sing it!
Before I had kids, I remember having a conversation with a young mom. It was one of those conversations that sunk straight into my soul and I knew that for some reason, I was to remember it. This mom and I were talking about her young children who were about three and four at the time. She mentioned that they loved to play and wrestle and that her husband often did that with the kids. I asked her if she did as well (fully assuming that she did), and she said something that I will never forget. She said, “Oh no, that isn’t really my thing.”
I have thought about that conversation many times in my last nine years of parenting. You see, sometimes we just need to do things because it will build into the hearts of our children. Sometimes we need to do an activity because it will fill a soul. Sometimes we need to do things because it makes our children smile and giggle and it will build the invisible bonds of the parent-child relationship.
This all came to mind as I put the boys to bed tonight.
I love my boys. I never, ever wanted to be a mom to boys and in all honesty, it took me about two years to come to terms with the fact that I had a son. Now, I can’t imagine life without them. I adore their energy and enthusiasm and zest for life. I love their fascination with sports and legos and flexing their muscles. I love to watch them “just be boys” and I am thrilled to be a part of raising them. But being a mom to boys doesn’t come naturally to me.
I am not a rough-and-tumble, loud, high-energy person. My idea of a perfect day involves a lot of quiet, a lot of books, and a lot of sipping hot drinks. I was never a real “girly-girl” and yet male humor and activities have never really gotten me excited, either. However, I want to have the heart of my boys. I want to have cords of connectedness so strong that nothing can break them. I want their hearts to be in tune with mine and I want to be someone they long to be with. And that means doing things that don’t necessarily come naturally and doing things that “aren’t really my thing.”
As I tucked the boys into bed tonight, I had to “find” one who was hiding in his brother’s bed, I “captured” one as he struggled to get free, I was tackled, I growled like a tiger, I pretended to cry when they said—in fits of giggles—that they didn’t love me, I knocked them on the head, I smothered them with kisses, and I filled their little boy-souls with rough and tumble love and laughter. And I didn’t do it because it is “my thing.” I did it because it fills their heart and I hope that hundreds upon hundreds of these little memories will merge into one big memory that will allow them to say, “I had a happy childhood.”
Sometimes being a parent involves us stepping our of personality, out of our comfort places, out of what’s easy and into a place where our actions can really communicate with our children’s hearts. We have to be willing to let go of our desires and our natural inclinations and instead meet our kids where they are. Tonight, it was being silly with rowdy boys. This morning it was with an almost-nine-year old who hates math and was in tears clinging to me saying, “I just want to be with you!” This afternoon it was playing pig on the basketball court and praying I would make it so one of the boys wouldn’t be out again. No doubt tomorrow it will be with a certain three-year-old who will bring be an infinitely high stack of books I have read too many times. Saying yes doesn’t always come easily or naturally, but I pray each day that God will enable me to do what is best for the five little hearts I am responsible for.
Please Lord, let me say yes and do whatever it takes to hold onto their hearts, even if it “isn’t my thing.”
Filling Their Souls
Bad Mom and Repentance
From At the Well:
“I am such a bad mom!”
As it has happened before–more times than I care to mention–I retreat from the chaos, hollering, and fighting into my bedroom, to give myself a time out.
“Father, I need your help. I’m not doing a very good job at this!” I am irritated and impatient. Quick to anger, abounding in selfishness, and not at all clothed with compassion or gentle understanding. I desperately want to be a good mom. Really, I do! I only have one problem. Sin.
I remember reading a book, before my husband and I had any children of our own, that claimed to be about how to raise kids to love Jesus. In the opening chapter of the book, the author made it clear that I had better deal with all of my problem areas, shortcomings, and sins before I ever considered having kids. If I didn’t, there was no way my children would follow God. I, the inveterate perfectionist that I am, panicked. If that was the case, there was no way that I could ever be a mom.
God, in His providence, helped me to put that book down. I never did finish reading it. I think many Christian moms cripple ourselves with perfectionism. We weigh ourselves down with a heavy burden, as though our children were saved by our works of righteousness.
How foolish we are to think this way! Lord, help us! The truth of the matter is that I am a bad mom. You are a bad mom. We’re all bad moms. The only solution to our problem is the Gospel.
“It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all.” 1 Timothy 1:15 (NASB)
And so we repent and believe. And repent. And believe. And repent and believe.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 (ESV)
I confess my sins before Him. My totally desperate state, completely incapable of being a good mom on my own.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 (ESV)
“I thank you, Father, that I don’t need to mother these children you have given me by my own strength. Help me to mother them by your grace.”
“Children, I’m really sorry for losing my temper just a few minutes ago. It was wrong of me to yell at you all like that. Will you forgive me?”
My little ones look up with me, with a sweet trust in their wide, precious eyes that I know I don’t deserve.
“Yes, Mom, we forgive you.”
They throw their arms around me, like the prodigal mom come home, and I choke back the tears. No, my children do not have a perfect mom. What they have is a redeemed mom. A mom who needs the Savior just as much as they do.
Nourished Roots
The warriors are laying low, flashes of light flickering across the front room, sleeping bags laid out upon the floor and eyes heavy with a hard days work. Swimming can take a warrior and bring him to a vulnerable pause...boys and their endless energy finds its weakness in a day of swimming and sun.
The quiet begins to settle in here and I have a moment to meditate and think of all the ways the Father has blessed my life, even when the blessings sometimes feel heavy like burdens they are gifts and blessings none-the-less.
The roots of the children slowly spreading into the soil we live on here, increasing their strength and bringing them steadfast memories which draw up character.
The arrows in the quiver are a part of God's plan to hold firm the front line against the enemy. They are to be grown into men who can withstand the enemy and fight for the honor of their Lord, their Savior. The arrows have been placed into my quiver, by God, as gifts, always as gifts nothing less, and their path is mine to sow.
Prayers cover them from my heart, exhaustive work and dedicated love to raise them up into men. I cry out to my God for help, and not often enough, as the days mark endless opportunities to fine tune their character and call them unto Him. Their flesh fights me so...
I hear them giggling, I see their sweet little toes pressed firmly against the wall unit as they watch the flickering images across the screen. Their unique God given personalities fill our home and engrave memories upon the walls. They are precious. Full of hugs, kisses, sweet embraces, in need of correction and discipline in order to find the straight path, and me often asking for forgiveness as we tread the path together...
God has placed us here together...
Father lift them towards you, hold them close, right my wrongs and teach them your ways. Wrestle the flesh that it may subside and your Glory be found. Increase their wisdom. Sow seeds of faith and carry them when they are weak. I give them to you just as you gave them to me.
I pray the roots we plant grow deep, nourished by the King.
Walking the Road to the Cross
I close my eyes and I try to imagine what those final days were like for Christ as He entered into Jerusalem hailed as a King on a lowly, humble Donkey, knowing deep the wounds that would soon pierce his skin and the nails that would purge sin from the world.
I can easily feel the emotions Mary must have felt as her Son, The Son (an experience I couldn't even begin to imagine), the one birthed pink from her womb that night in the stable while she was but a girl, is being led to the Cross scourged and stained with red.
Breathe...
Breathe...
My throat swells and I swallow hard as I consider her pain, as her pain reflected his pain and oh how we even wince when our little ones fall or scrape a knee and yet her son, The Son, bled freely and poured fourth grace and mercy with each drip that ran His skin.
I can taste the dust, hear the hails of hatred poured out towards Him while He carried His cross on broken, bleeding, barely hanging skin.
Look what we are capable of?
The atrocity of it all...us, His dearly beloved, capable of such hate, anger, and evil. Oh how He must weep...
So it begins today...remembering
I remember
I draw it in
I close my eyes and listen
I remember His sacrifice
I remember His Love
I remember Him
Walking the path towards the cross with Him as Lent begins today...
Spending the next forty days sinking deep into my depravity and lingering long with His love.
Our Partners-Who Does Your Heart Belong To?
I wanted to start with this amzing challenge by Sarah Mae that I found at http://www.titus2atthewell.com/. I found it comforting, challenging and encouraging! I hope you do too.
"The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil. She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her." Proverbs 31:11,12
Who does your heart belong to?
Does it belong fully to your husband, or are there areas...secret places, if you will, that perhaps belong to someone else (real or imaginary)?
I want you to take a look into your emotions, those secret places, and areas that God perhaps wants to heal, change, or break so that you can give yourself fully and completely to your husband. No second thoughts, no what if's, no faltering.
Now, you may say, “Sarah Mae, I will never leave my husband, it's not even an option. I am a loyal and committed wife.”
But...
I'm not asking about your commitment level, I'm asking if your husband has your heart? I don't just mean most of your heart...most of your love. Does he have all of it? Perhaps you have saved a tiny piece of your heart for someone else? Maybe a past love who still resides somewhere in there? Maybe a locked chamber that holds an unknown man that from time to time knocks to come out when you read certain books or watch certain movies?
Speaking of movies, I heard a great line from one and it brings the question into focus. Read it carefully and ponder it for a minute:
"What kind of marriage will that be? Knowing I have your loyalty, but he has your heart?"
Loyalty and heart, that is what we are to give to our husbands (and they us).
If the emotional door to your heart is unlocked and you have not given your heart to your husband completely, be prepared for a possible break-in.
Below are three truths that will help you on your journey to securing your heart fully for your husband.
1. We can choose who our hearts belong too
2. We can choose how we act.
3. We can pray and God will help us.
We Can Choose Who Our Hearts Belong To
God has given us authority over our domains. One of our domains is our hearts. If there is one thing I have learned from following my heart, as opposed to guiding it in wisdom, it is that when I do I usually find myself in a mess. It's lovely to say, "follow your heart," but the fact is, our hearts are filled with foolishness.
If you have or are struggling with your heart being tugged by the memory of someone else (or someone else in reality), know that there is hope. You don't have to be in shackles; it is possible to train your heart. Keep reading.
We Can Choose How We Act
I am by no means saying that training our hearts is easy (in fact, we can't do it on our own - more on that later). It can be painful and challenging. It is worth every battle. For me, I have been believing a lie that I could not control my heart or how I would act if I saw someone that might open the floodgates to my heart. I was scared of myself and my emotions. The emotions may come, but the truth is I can control how I act and respond. I can have a plan ahead of time. I can be grounded in the truth.
We Can Pray and God Will Help Us
Oh, I love this! How wonderful that we have a God who cares and wants to help us..heal us. He hears our cries, and if we let Him, he will deliver us from the bondage of having feelings for another man. Prayer is powerful my friend! Sometimes we just need to get alone with God, on our faces, and pray and pray and pray. Sometimes we need a friend or mentor to pray with us and over us. If you are wrestling with feelings for someone other than your husband, do not keep it a secret! Find someone you trust and tell them. You need a battle partner. If God leads you, tell your husband as well.
Abiding in the above three truths will set you on a path to emotional freedom, but...
There is another truth that I want you to know...and to really believe. The truth that who you are married to is not a mistake.
