It's quiet now and my thoughts are racing. It's been so many days, even months since I last posted here, in my quiet, personal space. It is not for lack of need or desire but seasons.
Seasons breathe the flow of our lives and each season brings new life, new calm, and new storms.
Swiftly moving memories flash by as I lead my sheep through the day; dressing, eating, playing, learning, growing, challenging, kneeling, whispering, shouting, struggling, loving, embracing...
The movements never end but the days are always numbered. Each moment serves as an opportunity to create a memory, to instill in them qualities of love, laughter, joy, thankfulness and Him...the Creator of it all. Each moment is teaching them something, guiding them towards something, sinking deep a characteristic in them. Each is an opportunity...what I do with it is up to me.
What I value inside the moment is clear to them. Do I value me, my habits, my desires, my demands? Or
Do I value them, their growth, their hearts, their relationship with me, their imperfections?
Why can't I remember to whisper more, snuggle more, kneel more, embrace more, laugh more, forgive loudly, and see even the imperfections of life as JOY?
All of life cannot be smiles and falsely perfect, but life must also be imperfectly perfect. These are words that I must write on my walls.
I've long known that my heart lives for perfectionism. Since I was young I can remember redoing and redoing things until they were "right".
I often put this trait on job applications as a strength. I thought the Lord had blessed me with a desire and the ability to do things with perfection.
Now, as a mother I see, this trait has a hold of me. It keeps from truly being free. It burdens my children, my husband...
Oh Lord, you gave me, blessed me, overwhelmed my life with Annointed BOYS...and 1 Sweet, AMAZING girl...life is Messy.
There are qualities of perfectionism which I find useful and positive. Orderliness, organization, execution of tasks, successfully doing "things". But, where is the grace? The Mercy?
From Ann Voskamp at aholyexperience.com (she happens to be my favorite and speaks words my heart sings):
read it again:
My hearts cries out to the Lord that these words would sink deep in me....
Flood my mind and my heart with reminders....
Sit long with the spills, the wet pants on a baby girl child, speak softly with the failure to sit still for schooling, and the constant distractions, draw near and find JOY in the imperfections of life.
I see how much they soak in my heart. Those babes my belly swelled with, the life God knit together inside my womb...they become ME.
Why God?
How can I possibly shed my sinful heart enough, breath the air of YHWH and sink His Joy into their lives?
I have my own struggles and hang ups, my own lacking patience, my nagging perfectionism...How Lord, how will I teach them to
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