Vulnerable

I prayed long and sought wholeheartedly the letting go and falling deep.  I remember hearing his voice for the first time and something inside jolted with the assurance and confirmation I could not yet decipher. It was only as the days past I realized the accuracy of my first inclination, God's nudging, my returning to thoughts of him. 

Our story isn't common.  We started with words. 

The writing and breathing of our deepest thoughts, questions, concerns, and directions. Our greatest loves and desires spoken through letters. Thousands of letters written by the glow of the screen. Lengthy calls in the late hours.  My thoughts always returning to him.

I wanted him. To be near to him. To feel him breathing on me. To brush against him. To connect. I wanted him to think I was something. Beautiful.  Was I? Was I enough for him? I put my whole self out there...I was vulnerable.

Here...6 years and five children later I shy from vulnerable.  I can't draw words to explain why.  I've closed some. I've been wounded from time to time and have wounded too I'm sure.  And in those wounds the scab of healing (although there is healing) has left my once vulnerable heart tighter than before. 

Where I once was willing to risk it all in order to captivate him I now protect.  I don't protect it all. I freely give up myself to him. Make it a priority to become one flesh.  Create life with him, five times over.  They are beautiful.  We make beautiful for whatever we are lacking in beauty ourselves.  They are the essence of beauty.

But I hold a little back.  I keep myself from truly letting it all go.  I struggle to let love just come, be, to settle and then rise into my life. Like the rising of dough or a fresh baked bread or cookies. 

Bread, the symbol of nourishment.  Could my love be like bread?  Could I nourish his soul?  It first needs stirring, kneading, and a bakers passion.  It must be placed into the oven where the warmth could burn but if done right creates something delicate and perfect.  Jesus is my bread. The bread I take to remember his perfect love.  Like the bread, my willingness to be vulnerable could be a symbol of this perfect love I've been given in the Bread of Life towards the man I love. The man God gave to me.

Unintentionally I keep myself busy, keeping his touch and his affections at bay.  I don't WANT this but I DO this.  This causes our once raw, crazy love to be left burning softly not flaming wildly as it could. Blessings, God's blessings stay adrift, just off the shore, waiting for my signal. 

My once passionate words now spoken as untimely jokes to lighten the mood from passion to playful.  Passion reveals vulnerability. I can't go there....why can't I go there?  Moving into him is where I want to be.

I love and must leave here in this journal Ann's words today.

How to Fall in Love Again in Four Minutes A Day

It only takes four minutes a day to move into a deeper heart place. It only takes four minutes a day to connect in soul intimacy; to breathe in oxygen for the other half of my heart. Don’t, and I too begin to suffocate, the death heave. I wish someone had told me this in the beginning.
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Four Fixations

Four times a day think on love.
When I leave the marriage bed…
leave the front door…
when I return to front door….
return to marriage bed.
These are the four critical archways of time in our day. Touch or whisper a sweet nothing when passing through these gate points, and we walk into hours of closeness. Forever love fixates like fresh love.
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Four Embraces

Four times a day, wrap up in the life partner. Embrace fully and hold each other’s eyes. That’s all.
Repeat four times daily.
The one flesh breathes best when the skin pores are close; connected.
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Four Affirmations

Four times during the day, thank him. For working faithfully to provide, for hanging up his towel, for putting gas in the van, for making this heart skip a wild beat.

Look for the ways to thank him and watch how he moves closer.

I will set my mind to this.  Revealing my hearts true desire. Not masquerading it with expectations that crack and the distraction that separate. Making more time, drawing more near to him.  Creating the uncomfortable for me to create the Oneness that is US.

I want to be US. Lord help me to be US.  We are friends, parents, partners, life organizers, planners, preparing, trainers of children...I want US to also be vulnerable together. For the baking and the warming to rise into something delicate and perfect.

Standing shoulder to shoulder encourages and refreshes, standing toe to toe, skin to skin, eye to eye, letting hands wrap tight and speak words of beauty creates LOVE.  Father, help me to CREATE.