In these last weeks, as our home has been solicited by change and what some and myself would consider financial upset, I feel and savor the Savior breathing on us. His hand has not left us nor forsaken us rather been guiding, teaching, stirring, and calling us to walk and serve with Him more. All-the-more as my husbands schedule has been jolted by much time away and my calling is to now consider myself as a mother of 4 soon to be 5 at home alone for 3 days each week for what could be the next 12 long months. I asked myself, "is not God walking with me?", "Why now, why this, solitary motherhood for so many days?". I can feel myself defeated under the darkness of Satan's voice within my striving to be Easter Heart. The tears stir now just thinking about those lonely, hard, long days with him away. And out of me, towards him, comes anger, not sadness. Vulnerability is not something I like to reveal. I'd rather disguise it under a blanket of anger and frustration. But the truth behind the emotion is hurt and sadness.
Yet, within these recent developments and moments of what I would describe as defeat, again I feel Christ's hand on us and His breath covering us in mercy and grace as we move foward with each day. His light cast's out the darkness and I know there is Joy, Hope, Peace, Love, and Worship to be had in His presence. I begin to try and fill my days with activities and disciplines that would remind us of His place in our Home that we might humble ourselves before His throne in order to be rejuvenated. For it is not only that I suffers when he is away but my children are not the same. They feel my weakness, see my tired eyes, and receive my defeat without me even knowing. I have no intention of passing this on to them but rather to build them up, keep them busy, nourish them with love and discipline through Faith, and press on towards the goal. But none-the-less they receive it and we all "suffer" some in his absence.
I am often rejuvenated by the light in their eyes, the love in their hearts and the comfort of holding them close to me. At times to then be broken with their bickering, yelling, disappointment and obviously needy nature as they are small ones. They cannot fill the hole in my heart or the tired in my eyes. Only Jesus. My savior. Help me to find more Him. Help me to seek more of Him. Help me to find each step to take in Him, so that I may fill them up, guide them correctly, love them unconditionally, and speak to them in Love.
God's mercies are new each morning. His Love unconditional. His forgiveness deep. His encouragement satisfying. Might I rest in it! It is in my brokenness that he longs to create something beautiful.
The Path to Praising Jesus
121. Ultimate Rest
122. Quiet Moments to hear the Savior
123. His close presence
124. The Faithfulness of the Father
125. Broken hearts reformed to Love Him More
126. Forgiveness
127. Gentle, quiet mornings with open doors and smiling faces
128. Precious, growing children with whom I've been entrusted with their care
129. Growing Boys
130. Precious, snuggling, loving brown eyed girl
131. The stirring in the womb of God's true miracles
132. The broken in worship of the perfect One, made whole by His blood
One Thousand Gifts
Walk with Him Wednesday-Parenting
I confess that I am, at times, at least once a day, overcome by the volume that life gives off in our home. God blessed us with boys, amazing, happy, crazy, wild from the earth, BOYS! As a sign of God's grace and Mercy He then blessed us with a sweet, precious, amazing little girl, our only brunette baby with earthy eyes instead of crystal blue like her brothers. And now, as she approaches 2 we find that she too has been created from the earth just like the boys and lives in a world where the Louder is the Better! And again, out of His abundant blessings, comes our 5th child....A BOY!!!
I did not grow up with brothers but I was a tom boy, rough, wild, rugged, engaged in boy activities with boy-friends from the neighborhood. It was only expected I suppose that the Lord give us Boys! But, as I said, I confess that the noise in our home sometimes pushes my patience beyond what I think I can bare!
In an effort to encourage our children to be happy, funny, and to enjoy laughter and play I pray each day for that extra ounce of patience I will need to endure the volume that comes with such activities. I find, of course, that there are times to encourage and teach them to speak with soft, inside voices, and to refrain from screaming and squealing at every turn. I mean they have to be able to exist in the real world someday and that is a part of that process.
They are true BOYS, through and through and that little, tiny, precious girl, I'm pretty sure she thinks she is a boy also! For now, my husband and I allow her to think that and engage with her in those things she find of interest which often happens to be sword fighting, laughing loudly, dancing to music, wrestling, and the rest of the things she sees those CRAAZY BOYS doing from day to day.
Somewhere inside their extremely loud behavior and wild times there is an innocence among them all and a sweetness, although a noisy one, that we find irresistible. This was an unexpected part of parenting for me and although I'm often reaching into the depths of my ability to withstand the noise, I find that this part of parenting can often also bring the greatest moments of joy!
Walk with Him Wednesday
Parenting...oh the daily and momentary thoughts of my life. Even as I sit here now in a quiet house filled with sleeping eyes and peaceful hearts I feel the child stirring within my womb and consider my calling in his life.
Days and hours my husband and I have spent contemplating our calling as parents. There is no question we believe children come directly from God, blessings in the purest form, given to us only to be directed back to the Father. Given to Him wholly and completely by continually inviting them back to God's throne. It is our duty to reflect His Love, His Grace, His Mercy, His adoration for them.
We've come to imbed into our hearts our calling as transformers, teachers, shepherds. Truly to know what shepherding our children is about and to then put into practice, consistently and lovingly with kindness and tempered hearts, has been our hearts desire. Heart transformation in our children rather than behavior modification is our newly coined term. They must be molded into servants.
How can we do that when we are sinful still? Their models? God has called us so we listen and we go. But I often wonder if I spoil the very thing my heart desires to do in my children? Can God call them unto Himself despite my fallen and redeemed state?
Patience I must pray for. Kindness I must seek in times of trouble, mess, or frustration. Understanding, listening, lingering, holding, seeking their hearts desire, redirecting, and refocusing. Then to do it all again come morning.
I am my own mountain. If I could have confidence in what God has been teaching me, prayerfully seek His strength to do it, and then trust in His ways...
That is the key. Prayerfully Parenting my Children. Why do I so often forget that. Where does prayer go in my day?
My Lord has laid out a perfect plan for me to raise my children. To offer them unto Him. I must seek Him first in order to find it.
Father help me to parent in your light, in your path, with your kindness and grace. To keep voices soft, words eager to encourage and uplift, transforming hearts for you and unlocking biblical truths for my children.
Amen
Blessings from My Father
Holy Experience has challenged me in ways I cannot explain. As I read Ann's words I come to my knees. I feel she is speaking into life My HEART. On Wednesday she wrote this telling piece:
Too often, sadly, I want product, others to see product, so they can see: I have worth. Stinking idols.
This, I think this is why I struggle to stop to pray at fixed times throughout the run of a day. This is why I struggle to play and love and make kids memories and laughter the priority. If I stop doing, will I have merit? Will I still exist if I stop the producing?
How do I forget that I actually exist more, fully, wholly, when I do that which I was made for?The things done in love, this the only work in our lives that will last forever.
So Abba Paul knew. The product is secondary…. Perhaps even pointless. It’s the prayers, the relationship, the love while doing the work, that hold the meaning, the merit. I have time to read another chapter, tell another story, make another batch of cookies because the process of prayer and love in our work is our only real product.
That process may not be seen when walking in the back door. Worship. Communion. Love. Prayer, hidden and intangible, it is the day’s true product, it’s ultimate purpose.
I'll whisper the mantra that orders all priorities:
..go straight to God... After all, he's famous for great and unexpected acts; there's no end to his surprises.
